Alright, hush hush, I know I’ve not been updating well lately. It’s been like how to say, well, another lapse of time that I’ve been through again and again, realizing that, each time I go through those mazes repetitively, I can only get those matters solved as long as I keep go on moving with life, instead of banging my head on those petty matters that goes buzzing around my mind all the time. What sort of matters … they come in all sorts of form, which bothers you a lot, by making you miserable all day long and sometimes even giving you insomnias, torturing you by putting you into those sleepless zones and your mind simply go rewinding and replaying about them, puzzling yourself with their outrageous characters which in the end sorts out that hey, maybe I will realize about something that links to those matters some time in the future. In other words, I just have to walk on further in this life to know those solutions to the current issues in my head.
Anyway, this is just the usual me. I guess it is just in my nature to think about trivial matters too seriously, which may end up having myself lazing around doing nothing the whole day, getting my room messed up during the whole process, my nights turn into days and days into nights … well, all the things that can happen to you when you can’t control yourself well. Am I turning into a psycho, well, I don’t know the real definition of it but I think I’m still sane, for those who are worrying. Thanks anyway. Trust me, for those who had been reading my blogs in the early days, they know I’m back. Endoruism is back. *hehe*
I guess those were those days which pissed one of my “friend”s off when she mentioned to me, not straight to my face but through 2 lousy e-mails (the first one got me to stop commenting on her blog for half a year and the second one got me deleting every single comment I wrote on her blog) saying something like “I don’t write about my life like hopping onto a train at 9 am bla bla, like you (as in me, Endoru). My blog is to inspire people.” Well, I tell you what, “friend”, who gives a damn about what you say about my blog. This is my blog and I will decorate it with my words and my style, suiting my way and forgive me, if my blog’s ain’t as inspiring as yours. Yes, she did tell me that I’m not obligated to comment on every single posts of her blog and telling me that it is there to inspire people. Oh well, you can kiss my ass if you think I am not good enough to comment on your blog. I gave my ideas or perhaps, criticism as I liked, concrete or not, when I felt that what you’ve written is not inspiring me. I feel disgusted to actually feel like a friend who’s trying to give his two cents on the matters your brought up on your blog. I’ll let you act the smart, always positive self you in front of your so-called intelligent elites network of yours for I know that the more I read, the more I feel that you are fooling yourself, restricting certain people to comment on your public blog.
Oh well, enough said about that lousy lady. I don’t deserve to feel miserable for other peoples’ actions towards me. Am I drunk? No, I’m perfectly fine, fine as a fiddle. Here I am awake on a Saturday morning, went through a night of insomnia, watched 2 movies to blow up time and I think the culprit may be the Olympics Grand Opening in Beijing (Zhang Yi Mou, nice performance but I think you could’ve done better and I guess the government must have cut down cost like the “bird nest” stadium which initially had a better budget) which got me all excited about the coming weeks of world class sports. Anyway, just popped some ice into a glass and poured in some unsweetened Japanese soy milk (We, Malaysians, prefer them sweetened for that’s our style back at home), sipping it to cool down the adrenalin in this hot humid summer in Japan and swallowed down a Norvasc 5mg (a tablet by Pfizer for hyper-tension, did I mention to everyone that I’m diagnosed with that at this age? Well, my mom’s mom and my mom got it so it runs in the family so the doctor said that it is probably genetic and I should pop a tablet everyday to make sure my pressure stays normal) and then, I was hoping to get myself to sleep.
Anyway, as I’ve mentioned earlier, my mind went wandering off again and I could not sleep so that’s why this blog post is up. Well, somehow in the past two years, I felt really empty I guess after getting disappointed with people around me and that is I guess what has been bothering me a lot lately and I seem not to be able to get the answer to why things could not be more fair or people to be more human-like. You see, I got raised up in a very nice simple family and my family did thought me the right values and virtues that I’ve been keeping to since young. I guess life is just like those dramas or Disney movies, where a young bird leaves the safety of his nest, discovering all the wickedness and ugliness in the world and feeling so awfully rejected by it. You see, I gave up tolerating and treating other people good after experiencing a few major issues with people around me throughout my going to be 26 years of life. I’ll leave the details behind but to those people who are close enough to me knows about them.
Oh well, trusting in people, caring for them but in the end, get back stabbed with unbelievable actions which makes trusting people and caring for people all so dumb because it ends up hurting yourself. So, I thought to myself, I’ll be selfish like everyone else and to hell to what happens to them and I go my life on my own pace. Rejecting kindness and not giving any of it seemed to be the right answer in the beginning but all it has done is to leave emptiness in my heart which is not a happy consequence that I’ve wanted for a fulfilling life. I was thinking about this emptiness again today, hoping to find an answer on how I should be from now on and somehow, the words of my uncle (the one married to my mom’s 2nd sister with 2 sons who lives nearby) during the wedding buffet of my youngest uncle (my mom’s youngest brother) while we were drinking our beers (this happened in my last trip back home in June), clicked.
This is what he had mentioned to me. “You see, in life, you will make all sorts of friends. I’ve got a friend who came up to me and asked me to lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said a big sum. I told him I’ve got a family to take care also but as a friend, I could only lend him the certain amount of money I could at that time. I lent him the money and till today, he hasn’t pay me back. So, what must I do? Go to him and ask him to pay me back? No, I won’t do so. Why? You see, if he has the money or still remembers me as a kind friend, he would come back and return it to me for my good deed. Since he hasn’t, that means he has no money or he had just cheated my money off just for the sake of the term friendship. But I tell you what, I knew that the moment I gave him the money, I am giving up the money. Not to say that I don’t trust him but it is like investment, when you hand out the money, you can think that it is no longer yours. So, be wise to think that selflessness is to be done without expecting for a return. Selfishness is not good but you have to see whether you have space in your heart to be selfless. Be good to others and others may be good to you. If that’s so, that would be jolly good and we should be thankful for it. But, never get too disappointed when they don’t or even betray you. Your deed is noted somehow and fate will repay you somehow in the future in a different way in those. Just trust in that fate when you want to be kind.”
There, I rest my case. I will learn to trust and be kind to others again from now on. It is a step for me to be as big hearted as my uncle in the future. There’s so much to learn from the experiences of our senior adults so, advices to those who are experiencing the same roller-coaster rides. Some people may say we are dumb to think too much over these so-called trivial things but I want to believe that, for us, those who really gives time to ourselves to sort things out that may matter to us at that very moment, all the hard work squeezing our mind will pay off some day. Let’s call this process of maturing, self discovery, identity construction … whatever it may be, I guess as long as we are in the human zone, we all have to get through this phase. So, I think there is nothing to be shy off to actually be frank especially with yourself. I am going to stay that way no matter how dumb I feel (dumb as in I feel like I took ages to actually discover something and feel like I’ve wasted so much good time) after each time I go through those phases, I believe the time I invested in, no matter how inefficient it was used, things will fall into places eventually to teach us and things do happen for a reason. All I need to do is to sharpen my abilities for effectiveness so that I won’t stall too long until the day I really have to stay static six feet underground (yeah, I don’t feel like being cremated when I die. I prefer to think that I let bacterias and maggots feast on my physical flesh to make sure circle of life goes on). To me, honesty and frankness are the best policies. Be as natural as you can be, be yourself at that very spur of the moment. Signing off now, so long till my next post. I’ll hit the sack now and perhaps I will be in a nicer mode the next time.
P.S. Sorry if I’ve disgusted you in anyway. For those who did not know this Endoruism, welcome to know a different part of me if I am considered not conducting the usual I for you from how you judge from this blog post. That would be a new discovery for you then. Eureka !