A Simple Update

Spring: A season of changes and farewells

Since I became a heavy user of Facebook (will be light one once my work starts to pile up), updating my blog seems to have become like a burden since I will be repeating all the stuff that I update in the status in Facebook but I guess it is good to keep this page alive for other readers who aren’t in Facebook. To keep this post simple, since I have other tasks in mind to do, I will just sum up the core events that has been happening in my life lately. Till my next post, stay tune.

• First: I’ve graduated on the 25th March 2009 and I am officially a master degree holder in Engineering.

Me at the graduation ceremony with Teruko and Jose

The certificate that I earned after 2 years of hard work

• Second: I’ve bid my two Malaysian friends farewell who were going back to homeland for good.

Farewell gathering for Ching Foa and Darren

• Third: My work life with GE began officially on the 1st April 2009.

Me and my fellow super-talented colleagues

Am officially with GE, the company that values “imagination at work”

Dear Woman

A sudden urge builds up in me
To simply scribble out these words
Words … yes, words prancing around in my mind
All about you, all the illustrative details about you

The moment my eyes laid on you
Your existence played that song
The song I’ve been looking for, high and low
The song that satisfies everything … simply everything

Every moment spent together was of distinctive meaning
You gleam before me, even from a distance away
The idea of being acquainted to you is enough to give me a sense of pride
A reminder of how much I’m fond of you

What I was and what I am to your eyes
That is what I wonder
No, that is what I fear … out of choking
Each moment my mind enters the labyrinth that says your name

“Time passes when you are not looking”
Those aren’t my words
But they hit the right notes
When my ears picked them up from a moving picture

Have I scared you with the scale of my unfulfilled dreams?
Do I not portray what you have in mind as a partner in life?
Questions are all I have on where I stand
Answers, what I don’t possess, lies there in you

Courage was what I had in the past
Courage is what I don’t in the present
Now, to even face you, I shiver shamefully
Timidness … nothing else compares to this invicible barrier I face

To utter those pure, honest words … how much courage must I gather?
You moved on and on, my heart hurts as you do
I’m stuck, stalled as how you last seen me
Foolish, one may say … yes, I am a fool in love with you.

The movie, “The Kite Runner”

Watch it, watch it and watch it !

A real moving story that just needed to be shared

Watching this movie simply reminds me how I should be appreciating my happy enough life more. It also gave me a big tight slap in the face for being so ignorant all these times regarding the Taliban issues in Afghanistan. The way they illustrated Kabul, I’d definitely wished that someday I have a chance to visit it although I know that it wouldn’t be the same as it was a couple of decades ago. The story simply portrays all the good values Muslims practice and I’m glad I could understand from the background of where I was brought up in, Malaysia. There are more to this movie that I wish to share but I guess the best is to watch it. It will definitely clear away all those misunderstandings that people have towards Afghanistan. There must be more to the issue raised in this movie definitely I believe and I plan to learn more about it in the near future for the message was definitely a clear one to me. The culture of flying a kite is very beautifully captured in this movie. The fact that children around the world still suffers as we speak hurts me but I promise to do my part one day. Thumbs up to the wonderful team who created this great movie.

It’s been a year …

Ah Ma, everyone’s fine

In remembrance of Tan Gey, 1st November 2007

Red Packet: The final gift from Ah Ma

Today, my sister reminded me through her e-mail (an e-mail to ask for my help to check her Japanese essay for the coming final term exams this week) that it has been a year since my grandma from Dad’s side had passed away. I recall vividly of the whole dramatic year I had in 2007 for certain parts of it still lingers around up to now. It started off with me not doing well with my final year project back in degree but I eventually got through it, somehow graduated and continued on with my masters. Before beginning my masters, I was having a tough time securing a scholarship to support my 2 years tuition fees and daily life expenses since my contract with the government scholarship had ended in March, 2007.

It was then when I got to know about Ah Ma’s situation. (That is how I call my grandma from Dad’s side) Pancreas cancer, final stage and the doctor confirmed that she would only last for about half a year for the cancerous cells are spreading rapidly to her other internal organs. I was shattered to know the fact that she’d be leaving us soon and since life wasn’t at the right beat that time, feeling helpless for I was miles away from Ah Ma here in Japan and filled with anxiety after being rejected by a few scholarship foundations, simply put I was not enjoying life at all. Again, somehow I persisted and the current scholarship foundation supporting me found me to be suitable to be one of their 26 scholars of the year which I am real thankful for without it, I guess I would’ve decided to quit masters and return home for good.

Well, soon after that, I decided to make a trip back home to visit Ah Ma, after a few times that I thought I could not see her anymore before she leaves us. She was being hospitalized when I was back home. The last thing she gave me was a red packet with a RM50 note in it. I understood and felt the love so much and I still keep the red packet in my wallet even right to now. While I was back home, many incidents happened which includes a serious brother fight between my youngest uncle and my Dad. I can’t help myself being all softy at that time, tears were running out of control and that is when my heart ached the most that despite being the eldest grandson of Ah Ma’s, I couldn’t do anything to make things better. I still feel the same up till now.

Anyway, I was reluctant to return to Japan but my stay back then was only for 10 days. I had to come back to Japan because I had another challenge that I had in my mind that needed to be solved as well because it was regarding my future; yes, the dreadful job hunting. Actually, at the same time, my grandparents from Mom’s side weren’t doing well too. Grandma with a bad heart and had a small heart-attack then, but she’s fine now. Grandpa had a mini stroke that had made him bed-ridden and he too left us last June this year. So, the trip home was to see my dear grandparents from both sides. On my flight back to Japan, I was devastated.

Well, to continue on with the story, Ah Ma left us for good on November 1st, 2007. No one can tell how hurt it felt to be here all alone, it did felt like the end of the world. The very next day, I went to a seminar of company with heavy legs and continued to put on a smile throughout the whole thing. I did informed the fact to the HR representative who was touched that I came after all. Anyway, this was one of the 3 job offers I got. On that weekend, I was scheduled for a Tohoku Trip and I was going to cancel it and find ways to go back home for Ah Ma’s funeral but everyone at home said it was okay. My good friends were kind enough to cheer me up and of course, we had a good time but my heart was thinking about home all the time.

After coming back from the trip, I stayed over at my good friends’ place for I really needed company and that is when I called home to ask about the funeral and to talk to everyone back home. After the call, I was so depressed that I had to just take it out. The two good friends were kind enough to comfort me and you know who you are and thanks. Overall, it was good friendship that has taken me through all the hardships. Friendship can sometimes provide more than what family can. Life’s always been challenging for myself as much as it has been a great one for me. It just makes feel that I should appreciate more of the people who are acquainted to me through blood or even through any type of relationship.

A message for Ah Ma

Ah Ma, it’s been a year already.
Life’s going on fine for me right now and
I must say for the rest of our Soh family as well.
it must be for all the prayers and blessings you’ve showered us with.

Visited Gong-gong this year, he’s healthy but of course, he misses you dearly.
Tina just got married and the rest of the cousins seem to be doing real good.
I’ve secured a job for myself already and trying to enjoy what’s left of my student life.

I still have your red packet and it always reminds me of you.
Love you and missing you, home in Muar was different without you
but I can hear you say, “Life must go on”.
Ah Ma, please continue to shower us with your love and blessings.

Your eldest grandson,
Ren-ren

P.S. That is how my family calls me by my Chinese name taken from the last character “仁” repeated.

Being 25 + 1

Am officially 26 today !

Today will just be like any other day. Nothing will change abruptly, obviously, except for the fact that I’ve survived 26 years on this face of the Earth and still am determined to continue to live on, as the clock ticks on till the day my age increases another unit on the very same date next year to have this same exact sentimental ride I am going through now. Please bear with me if you’ve heard the story all before already but I just always want to keep myself reminded on my birthdays about the fact that I was given a chance to live this life that I’ve led all along till now. Here how my story goes. Exactly 26 years ago, my father had a dilemma. It was his birthday on this date (yes, both of us share the same birthday) as well and it was on this day in year 1982, the doctor told him that it would be the choice between the life of his wife (my mom) or the life of his son (me).

My mom got a serious typhoid when she had me in her womb, a month before she was due to show me the world and she was of no sign getting better back then. My mom refuses to care about herself and selflessly, she had only one thing in her mind: to deliver his first son, no matter what. Well, since you all see me here in this world, to cut the story short, my determined mom managed to give birth to me and yes, we were both fine after all. I was born in Assunta Hospital in Petaling Jaya, Selangor, which is an industrial area in Malaysia, and was then pretty famous for I was nicknamed the “Typhoid Baby”. Not a cool name to have but was indeed a miracle baby to the doctors and nurses, so to say from all the stories I hear from my parents and relatives.

It actually crosses my mind right now, at this age, if both my mom and I did not make it or even if one of us didn’t make it, how terrible the existence of birthday would be from then for my dad for it would have turned into a death day as well.  I was brought into this world, into his arms and usually I would joke by teasing him, “Hey Dad, was I your burden on your 1982 birthday or was I a real gift ?” and he still hasn’t given me a concrete answer to that very question. I think I will try asking him again today when I call home for his birthday wish. The whole dilemma situation could have turned into a nightmare and I guess it was major relief for my dad that both of us, my mom and I, were fine 26 years ago. Well, no matter whether I am a gift or a burden, I am thankful for the life I have and also the lives of my family, for nothing compares to all the worldly gifts in the world than to have all of them to paint my life with their own unique colors. On this day, I simply want to say “thank you” for every single one who has made my life up till now possible. Happy Birthday, Endoru !

Commenting on Tun M’s blog

His latest post, “THE SOCIAL CONTRACT 3″

To read it, visit CheDet.com

Placing his views in his very own blog since May 2008

***

Good evening, Tun M.

In times like these, where everything is pretty stirred up and murky, that is when rationality is needed and our nation needs it, simply put, every single citizen of our motherland needs to be rational. I don’t recall that I learned about the Social Contract during my History classes back in school bench. Did my textbooks state much about it or was the fact packed up together in just a few simple sentences? Either that or perhaps I was more attentive to my science subjects, which was implanted in my mind that it will be able to ’secure a better future’, especially in Malaysia for me, when everyone stresses that going to science stream is a better choice (that I came to grow up knowing that this is not always true). Or just maybe my History teachers, the government servants, were not doing their job well enough? (I will read Part 1 and 2 to teach myself what the Social Contract is all about through your writings)

I do agree with a commentator that Tun M should rewrite this article in Malay since all of us did learn and are still learning about the Malaysian history in Malay, in a form which we all find much more familiar and easier to understand. After all, it is our national language, Bumis or non-Bumis and Malaysian kids nowadays have access to read your blog, Tun M.

Please do enlighten us, the young Malaysians, on how and what our ancestors had agreed and was it that all of us must keep abide to it even after half a century or in the long run as well? We know that Malay has the special rights. We see that in the different quotas we have in the many different systems. We know Chinese and Indians didn’t mind the conditions laid to them as long as they got their citizenship back then. We all lived freely without much problem and fuss up to now (except for what had happened during May 13, 1963). We didn’t mind that it had always been expressed in the fashion of “Malay, Chinese and Indian”, accordingly to the population pie, and not “Indian, Malay, Chinese” or the other 5 combinations that can be made with these 3 syllables. But, isn’t it time to consider that all of us who are being born in Malaysia, raised with the Malaysian culture, to be as one, in a single identity as a unified nation? Perhaps, what young Malays are telling is that the non-Malays are also Malaysia “Malaysians” and soon, we need to change the situation.

But then again, before all that, you are right, Tun M. Are we ALL ready to switch everything to the “equal rights” that everyone (both the minority young Malays you’ve stated and non-Malays) is hailing about? Some of us are ready but when turned effective, how many will drown in it? I still remember how you commented on globalism, Tun M. Are you worried that the considered more able non-Malays will overtake everything that the Malay owns, if equality begins to be enforced? If the stage is unleveled, Malaysia might be at the risk of being not balanced although how it appears to be in balance. I understand and I never argued much about the quota when another Chinese (or other international friends) comes to me to complain about it. I always tell them, our ancestors said yes to special rights to the Bumiputras and we are living on this fate. We can do nothing unless a change happens. Till then, we still have to live on. That is what I tell those who approaches me with their sighs.

On the other side, perhaps young Malays are tired of being undermined and regarded lowly. They perhaps are hating the idea being looked at in a way as if they have a cushion to fall onto anytime although they are working strong and hard to prove that they have grown to not need such insurances anymore.

We need wisdom on this matter. We need great people to put the rails so that everything would go strong and steady for our nation. I believe that is the job of a politician which should be regarded the highest in rank when it comes to selflessness. Anyway, everything is happening for a reason. We are reminded again that a nation is a biological entity and that we evolve from time to time. Tun M, people are hearing rumors that you are coming back. I am just hoping that you are packed with powerful and effective solutions when you officially decide that you are going to have power in the government, once again.

All these by Andrew Soh, the boy with a vibrant orange tie, who asked you what was your ideal vision for year 2020 at the Embassy of Malaysia, here in Japan when you came over for your honorable degree from the Meiji University in year 2001 and still recalls you, at the podium in front of a crowd of students, answering “little young children (you did stress all races) with smiles on their faces, playing peacefully in a developed nation in various aspect of areas.” I am the one who also said that you can sign on my 1000 yen note during dinner the night of the event and am still hoping hard in my heart that what you’ve envisioned for our country will happen. Thank you for your valuable signature and my parents are still keeping it proudly with my two shot picture with you, Sir, placed in a special album in our humble home in Kuala Lumpur.

The movie, “Into The Wild”

My salute goes out to you, Mr. Supertramp !

“Into The Wild” is both a non-fiction novel by Jon Krakauer (which I am going to get real soon) and a movie by Sean Penn. This movie got my standing ovation though I was alone in my room (consider it crazy but it was that amazing). I am not going to talk much about the movie because it is going to be a spoiler for those who are going watch it from now. Anyway, it was a great movie indeed, which means that the original novel must be a greater version of the greatest journey that “Mr. Supertramp” had in his life. Why am I labeling it a good movie? Simple reasons, there are many things in this movie that I can relate to myself but at the same time, many of the things inside are simply things I wouldn’t do normally and of which I could only dream of for I really wish to know what’s the taste of living those lives. Perhaps someday I would unleash myself ‘into the wild’ like Alex and the other distinct characters in his adventure but the ending tells you that you don’t have to rush into it. I am recommending this movie to you my junior (you know who you are) so that you can illustrate your future undertakings in a more focused and vivid way, but still have the wild style to it. Thumbs up for this movie and I recommend this movie to anyone who’s looking for a good one to watch. Pretty long but every minute invested counts.

P.S. The actress, Kristen Stewart, that appeared in this movie caught my eyes once again after my eyes first laid on her in the movie “In the Land of Women“, which is another good movie. She’s the “next door girl” type of chick that you wished you had in your teens.

A birthday wish & a prayer …

Happy 73rd Birthday & my prayers for you

Have a very happy birthday & may you live a long and happy life !

This is a special birthday wish that goes out to my English student whom I’ve just begin tutoring. He turned 73 years old on this day, the 5th September 2008. Wow, just imagine … born in the year of 1935 ! *phew* Anyway, I just got an e-mail from his wife saying that he is being diagnosed by a doctor that he might have the Parkinson’s disease. After our lesson last Tuesday night, he went for an overnight stay at a specialist hospital to get a medical check-up. His wife, who is also a student of mine, was worried about him because he was getting real forgetful about things and also getting slow in his actions, which I can notice as well from the speed of his writing during our lessons. Anyway, we are still hoping for the best that nothing is going to be serious and we are still waiting for the final say about this matter. For this is a birthday wish and also at the same time, it is also my prayers that you will be fine. May the good Lord hear our prayers.

Lovely sister got the JPA Scholarship !

Am real proud of you, girl !

The government scholarship, not easy to get, unless you pass all the conditions.

My lovely sister, Jennifer, had made our family proud again. At first, she made us proud by getting real good results during her STPM and with that good sets of results, she managed to enter the most profound university we have in Malaysia, the University Malaya. She is currently in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, studying East Asian Studies and majoring in Japanese language (perhaps very much influenced by his brother who’s here in Japan). Anyway, being a nice good girl and considering the financial situation we have in our family, she decided to apply for the Malaysian Government’s Public Service Department Scholarship for local universities and guess what, she successfully got it and that is the pride our family take in after that very success of hers entering the prestigious university.

My dad called me to inform me and to consult me regarding this matter, on whether she should accept the offer or not. I went through the details of this particular scholarship once again and did all the math and considerations for her. I, myself, managed to receive the JPA scholarship to continue my studies overseas here in Japan for both my diploma and degree. Without the scholarship, there is no way for me to survive the high living cost of expenses here so I decided to take it because it was a golden opportunity for me to see the world. Anyway, as for my sister’s case, she has only one and half year to go before she graduate. She will receive about RM11,000 per year to cover up her living expenses and also tuition fees (which is about RM5000 per year) if she decides to take it. That means by the time she graduate she will get roughly RM16,500 from the government.

Well, of course, the government will not give the money for free. There are the conditions which comes along with this contract and as of my sister’s case, she will have to serve the government for 4 to 5 years after she had graduated from her studies. If she had received the scholarship and decides not to serve the government, she has to pay up RM110,000 to RM130,000 as to say “sorry”. Anyway, this story is fine for people who really decides to have a career as a government servant but after giving much thought, I don’t think it is right to decide a single path only for my sister right now already. I mean with her qualifications I believe that she will get many offers in the private sector as well and I don’t want her not to be able to choose from all those choices by being tied up by this bond.

So, it is clear and vivid that Jennifer will not take this scholarship. Yes, it would help us financially to support her studies but then, Mom and Dad said that they will be fine to support her for another one and half years. Plus, I will be working already from next year on so I believe I can support her well too. So, in order to give my sister the liberty of choices in the future, we have to say goodbye to this tempting offer. Of course, there are many Malaysians who are dying for the offer as it is a golden opportunity if you seek a career in the governmental sector plus you get all the worries of your shoulders about the expenses you need to make during the school years.

Nevertheless, our family is real proud of my sister. Her STPM results and her university results won her this scholarship and now, I believe that she understands that when you always try to excel, more chances will come to you. So, my message to her is to just keep focusing on her studies and look out for that chance to come to Japan. For your information, my fellow readers, she has a chance to come to Japan because in her course, for excellent students, they are offered to come to Japan for a year to study. Will she get it or not, we’ll see from now. But, for now, am happy that she has shown us that she cared for our family so much that she actually took those actions by herself. My little sister is no longer little and she’s thinking for herself. Am proud to know that very fact. Love you, sis.

A message from Naotaro Moriyama

『生きてることが辛いなら』

“When life’s too painful to live on” by Naotaro Moriyama

生きてることが辛いなら
いっそ小さく死ねばいい
恋人と親は悲しむが
三日と経てば元通り
気が付きゃみんな年取って
同じとこに行くのだから

生きてることが辛いなら
わめき散らして泣けばいい
その内夜は明けちゃって
疲れて眠りに就くだろう
夜に泣くのは赤ん坊
だけって決まりはないんだし

生きてることが辛いなら
悲しみをとくと見るがいい
悲しみはいつか一片の
お花みたいに咲くという
そっと伸ばして両の手で
摘み取るんじゃなく守るといい

何もないとこから
何もないとこへと
何もなかったかのように
巡る生命だから

生きてることが辛いなら
嫌になるまで生きるがいい
歴史は小さなブランコで
宇宙は小さな水飲み場
生きてることが辛いなら
くたばる喜びとっておけ
生きてることが辛いなら

***

A song dedicated to my juniors in Japan

You maybe going through tough times now
and may think that living life itself is too painful
but just simply remember to never give up
for a beautiful future will definitely awaits
if you keep your heart strong …

So, simply move on & listen to every single words in this song.
Found them real meaningful & simply wanted to share.
Seniors do go through ups and downs
so we understand that juniors go through them as well.
We’ll give our full support, when you need it, just simply let us know.

Pondering on matters like treating other people good and get nothing in return

Alright, hush hush, I know I’ve not been updating well lately. It’s been like how to say, well, another lapse of time that I’ve been through again and again, realizing that, each time I go through those mazes repetitively, I can only get those matters solved as long as I keep go on moving with life, instead of banging my head on those petty matters that goes buzzing around my mind all the time. What sort of matters … they come in all sorts of form, which bothers you a lot, by making you miserable all day long and sometimes even giving you insomnias, torturing you by putting you into those sleepless zones and your mind simply go rewinding and replaying about them, puzzling yourself with their outrageous characters which in the end sorts out that hey, maybe I will realize about something that links to those matters some time in the future. In other words, I just have to walk on further in this life to know those solutions to the current issues in my head.

Anyway, this is just the usual me. I guess it is just in my nature to think about trivial matters too seriously, which may end up having myself lazing around doing nothing the whole day, getting my room messed up during the whole process, my nights turn into days and days into nights … well, all the things that can happen to you when you can’t control yourself well. Am I turning into a psycho, well, I don’t know the real definition of it but I think I’m still sane, for those who are worrying. Thanks anyway. Trust me, for those who had been reading my blogs in the early days, they know I’m back. Endoruism is back. *hehe*

I guess those were those days which pissed one of my “friend”s off when she mentioned to me, not straight to my face but through 2 lousy e-mails (the first one got me to stop commenting on her blog for half a year and the second one got me deleting every single comment I wrote on her blog) saying something like “I don’t write about my life like hopping onto a train at 9 am bla bla, like you (as in me, Endoru). My blog is to inspire people.” Well, I tell you what, “friend”, who gives a damn about what you say about my blog. This is my blog and I will decorate it with my words and my style, suiting my way and forgive me, if my blog’s ain’t as inspiring as yours. Yes, she did tell me that I’m not obligated to comment on every single posts of her blog and telling me that it is there to inspire people. Oh well, you can kiss my ass if you think I am not good enough to comment on your blog. I gave my ideas or perhaps, criticism as I liked, concrete or not, when I felt that what you’ve written is not inspiring me. I feel disgusted to actually feel like a friend who’s trying to give his two cents on the matters your brought up on your blog. I’ll let you act the smart, always positive self you in front of your so-called intelligent elites network of yours for I know that the more I read, the more I feel that you are fooling yourself, restricting certain people to comment on your public blog.

Oh well, enough said about that lousy lady. I don’t deserve to feel miserable for other peoples’ actions towards me. Am I drunk? No, I’m perfectly fine, fine as a fiddle. Here I am awake on a Saturday morning, went through a night of insomnia, watched 2 movies to blow up time and I think the culprit may be the Olympics Grand Opening in Beijing (Zhang Yi Mou, nice performance but I think you could’ve done better and I guess the government must have cut down cost like the “bird nest” stadium which initially had a better budget) which got me all excited about the coming weeks of world class sports. Anyway, just popped some ice into a glass and poured in some unsweetened Japanese soy milk  (We, Malaysians, prefer them sweetened for that’s our style back at home), sipping it to cool down the adrenalin in this hot humid summer in Japan and swallowed down a Norvasc 5mg (a tablet by Pfizer for hyper-tension, did I mention to everyone that I’m diagnosed with that at this age? Well, my mom’s mom and my mom got it so it runs in the family so the doctor said that it is probably genetic and I should pop a tablet everyday to make sure my pressure stays normal) and then, I was hoping to get myself to sleep.

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned earlier, my mind went wandering off again and I could not sleep so that’s why this blog post is up. Well, somehow in the past two years, I felt really empty I guess after getting disappointed with people around me and that is I guess what has been bothering me a lot lately and I seem not to be able to get the answer to why things could not be more fair or people to be more human-like. You see, I got raised up in a very nice simple family and my family did thought me the right values and virtues that I’ve been keeping to since young. I guess life is just like those dramas or Disney movies, where a young bird leaves the safety of his nest, discovering all the wickedness and ugliness in the world and feeling so awfully rejected by it. You see, I gave up tolerating and treating other people good after experiencing a few major issues with people around me throughout my going to be 26 years of life. I’ll leave the details behind but to those people who are close enough to me knows about them.

Oh well, trusting in people, caring for them but in the end, get back stabbed with unbelievable actions which makes trusting people and caring for people all so dumb because it ends up hurting yourself. So, I thought to myself, I’ll be selfish like everyone else and to hell to what happens to them and I go my life on my own pace. Rejecting kindness and not giving any of it seemed to be the right answer in the beginning but all it has done is to leave emptiness in my heart which is not a happy consequence that I’ve wanted for a fulfilling life. I was thinking about this emptiness again today, hoping to find an answer on how I should be from now on and somehow, the words of my uncle (the one married to my mom’s 2nd sister with 2 sons who lives nearby) during the wedding buffet of my youngest uncle (my mom’s youngest brother) while we were drinking our beers (this happened in my last trip back home in June), clicked.

This is what he had mentioned to me. “You see, in life, you will make all sorts of friends. I’ve got a friend who came up to me and asked me to lend him some money. I asked him how much he needed and he said a big sum. I told him I’ve got a family to take care also but as a friend, I could only lend him the certain amount of money I could at that time. I lent him the money and till today, he hasn’t pay me back. So, what must I do? Go to him and ask him to pay me back? No, I won’t do so. Why? You see, if he has the money or still remembers me as a kind friend, he would come back and return it to me for my good deed. Since he hasn’t, that means he has no money or he had just cheated my money off just for the sake of the term friendship. But I tell you what, I knew that the moment I gave him the money, I am giving up the money. Not to say that I don’t trust him but it is like investment, when you hand out the money, you can think that it is no longer yours. So, be wise to think that selflessness is to be done without expecting for a return. Selfishness is not good but you have to see whether you have space in your heart to be selfless. Be good to others and others may be good to you. If that’s so, that would be jolly good and we should be thankful for it. But, never get too disappointed when they don’t or even betray you. Your deed is noted somehow and fate will repay you somehow in the future in a different way in those. Just trust in that fate when you want to be kind.”

There, I rest my case. I will learn to trust and be kind to others again from now on. It is a step for me to be as big hearted as my uncle in the future. There’s so much to learn from the experiences of our senior adults so, advices to those who are experiencing the same roller-coaster rides. Some people may say we are dumb to think too much over these so-called trivial things but I want to believe that, for us, those who really gives time to ourselves to sort things out that may matter to us at that very moment, all the hard work squeezing our mind will pay off some day. Let’s call this process of maturing, self discovery, identity construction … whatever it may be, I guess as long as we are in the human zone, we all have to get through this phase. So, I think there is nothing to be shy off to actually be frank especially with yourself. I am going to stay that way no matter how dumb I feel (dumb as in I feel like I took ages to actually discover something and feel like I’ve wasted so much good time) after each time I go through those phases, I believe the time I invested in, no matter how inefficient it was used, things will fall into places eventually to teach us and things do happen for a reason. All I need to do is to sharpen my abilities for effectiveness so that I won’t stall too long until the day I really have to stay static six feet underground (yeah, I don’t feel like being cremated when I die. I prefer to think that I let bacterias and maggots feast on my physical flesh to make sure circle of life goes on). To me, honesty and frankness are the best policies. Be as natural as you can be, be yourself at that very spur of the moment. Signing off now, so long till my next post. I’ll hit the sack now and perhaps I will be in a nicer mode the next time.

P.S. Sorry if I’ve disgusted you in anyway. For those who did not know this Endoruism, welcome to know a different part of me if I am considered not conducting the usual I for you from how you judge from this blog post. That would be a new discovery for you then. Eureka !

So long, Gong Gong !

In remembrance of my beloved Grandfather

Foo Ah Sai, 74 years old, left his family for good at 9:30 pm (Malaysian time) of 21st June 2008

Gong gong, you’ve fought for a long time so have your rest now …

My message for you, Gong Gong

公公，我真的很希望你还会留着努力的活下去。
没想到你会这么样快离开我们。
我很后悔没过多一点时间陪你。
公公，我永远都不会忘你那一天流的眼泪。
再见了，亲爱的公公！
仁仁。

Grandpa, don’t leave us yet …

Hear my prayers, Lord

This obvious physical change was definitely a sign …

I saw this coming. I’ve been telling people how tough it is to receive calls from home especially when the calls are to inform you about family getting sick or going away for good. It is really tough for you when you are miles away in a foreign land and you’ll always get that not being able to do anything feeling which really sucks. My sister rang me up a while ago to inform me that Grandpa’s been admitted to hospital, moreover, in the emergency ward. Am not sure whether it is the ICU or not, but what I know it is not good and according to the doctor, it could be life threatening. Aunties has rushed to the hospital and Mom is all worried with Grandma (maternal side) at my home waiting for somebody to fetch them over to the hospital to see him.

Meeting him this time during my trip back home, I was shocked to see how much he has changed. His face, his body and especially his legs were all so swollen and he’s turned into a total different person from the aspect of his looks. Knew then that he’s not in a good condition already but never to expect that I would receive such news after one week I am back here to Japan. Grandpa is diabetic and he had a mini stroke last year which made him could not walk another step anymore but only to stay in bed or use the wheel chair when traveling. He was real thin last year when I went back to visit my belated grandma who passed away of cancer last November. May she rest in peace. It is tough enough to lose my grandma (paternal side) lately and I don’t want to lose you grandpa (maternal side). I really hope you’ll get better soon and I will make sure your kids have a thorough check up on your condition and we’ll do our best to make you feel better, grandpa. Just hang in there, please.

Hear me, Grandpa

Grandpa, I know you are going through rough sea now

but don’t you dare leave us now, fisherman.

I’m proud to know how good a fisherman you were on the sea,

on how hard you strife to support your big family and indeed,

you’ve done a great wonderful job and you will get through this rough sea once again.

Stay strong, my dear grandpa, for you deserve more than what you’re receiving now

for all the great things you’ve brought to our family.

Love you and stay strong though I can’t be by your side now.

Life = Risk

Introducing Japan’s rush hour train

Human tuna can

This is exactly how it looks like. Yes, they do “push”. *hehe* I guess I will face that more next year onwards when I do really start working. I was never into the idea of owning a car but perhaps, when I do get myself enough money and tired of being squashed into a moving public transport like this, I may consider owning one.